I don't like doing video blogging. Actually, I don't like having my image anywhere on the internet. There's a reason why every picture I ever posted here didn't have a head.
But at HealthyPlace I'm contractually obligated to produce one video a month for all to see. I don't like it. It puts a knot in my stomach, but there it is. We all do things we don't want to do.
And part of it, I think, is that I don't want people to actually see the pain across my face, or I don't want to hide the pain that lives across my face. One of the two. I cry so often. I don't want to cry on camera. If you want to see that you come 'round my apartment any day and see it in the flesh.
Because everything I have ever said, everything I have ever written and every image I've ever recorded is online forever. The internet is like that. You can never make an image disappear once it's out there.
The thing I will say is that once I create a video or audio file, once I do an interview I never watch or listen to it again. I can't even tell you what I said. In fact, someone commented to me once on something he thought was egotistical and I didn't even remember saying it. To me it's just out there, gone. Into the dust from whence it came.
Last month's video was on how my bipolar brain makes me hate myself. This is another thing I try not to think about. Yup, I hate myself. A lot. But I try not to think about it. And now, here it is on video, for all to see, the Irrationality of My Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself.
I think I can say the conflict is self-evident. Like someone producing videos of an image she'd like to squash.
(In case you were wondering, I don't hate doing such things in person so much. It's just the idea that forever more it exists that bothers me. Permanency of pain makes me grumpy.)
Wow. That took courage.
ReplyDeleteWell done!
You look fine to me.
In fact nothing short of magnificent.
But I digress :)
You know what is going on, and you know its really silly. But still, you say, you hate yourself.
Well that is why you continue to.
What you say, is your reality, and that isn't so hard to modify.
I don't quite hate myself, might be a good start. Say it often, say it out loud.
But say it.
I can understand where you are, I think.
I discovered some 25 years ago, I was clinically depressed. Discovering that was the beginning of the cure.
Today, I am calm, confident, ego-less and content. So it is possible to achieve.
I wish you well with your battle.
But saying that, I would like to observe:
Seeing it as a battle makes it so.
Learning to co-exist with it, may be the best thing to do, at least for a while.
Look around you: who isn't crazy?
I used to assume that other people were normal.
They aren't :)