I few months ago I tweaked my meds myself as no doctor would help me. I had lots of meds in the drawers so I whipped up a cocktail, and the cocktail helped. I've actually been feeling slightly better for the last couple of months. Not reliably. I cycle about once a week. But still. Not bad.
[Don't ever change your meds without medical supervision. Seriously.]
Yes, I Feel Like Hell
I feel pretty dead inside. The tiniest of corners dug down so deep I can't really see it is a tiny smile. But 99.9% of the time it's not available. Mostly I feel nothing. I can easily feel depressed. But I'm suppressing. And I can't feel happy. So I feel nothing.
It really sucks.
And the cycles are brutal, my behavior is somewhat erratic, and sometimes the depression hits with a vengeance. And I have daily headaches. And I don't really have an appetite. And I have spells of serious anxiety. And I tic.
Other than that, I'm peachy.
Hell is Changing
Not surprisingly, my doctor would like to make a couple of changes. That is, after all, what he's there for. But I'm terrified because while I live in hell, it is the hell I know which is less frightening than the hell I don't. At least in this hell I know that I can handle it. I'm fairly convinced this hell won't kill me. Although I could be wrong about that.
And as much as this might suck, there is infinite room for more suckage. Believe me. I know at times it feels like nothing could possibly ever, ever, ever feel worse, but it can. If you go at this long enough, you'll learn that's true.
So I'm terrified to make any medication changes. I have to, it's the only logical thing to do, I can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. I have to change something. I have to take the risk. But really, does it have to be such a big fucking risk?
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday as well. And he also made some med changes. I hate changing meds, cause it always feels crap the first week. This time we're doing it at home but earlier in the year I had to be hospitalized for it. And he is considering doing it again later on if we dont find a solution with the current changes. You know you should be worried when your doctor says "I dont know what to do". It's not that there's no options. There are options. We just don't know which one will work. Since I get treated for both Bipolar and ADD it's a bit tricky to get the meds to make friends. And with exams around the corner it's not like we have all the time in the world to find out. So I was rather upset after my appointment. And then someone tells me, oh at least it's good news that there are options. WHAT the chuck!? I know it should make me feel better. But I guess if you haven't been there you won't get it. Med changes SUCK! So i get your drift. But, if it works, i guess it's worth it.
ReplyDeleteDo you live in a city?
ReplyDeleteForests are the most benign places to be.
Can you get to one?
Disappearing into the trees does things that pills never can.
Perspective is everything.
I think your fears are quite justified. It can get quite a bit worse. It did for me. In the future, you might be able to switch to a new drug combo with the reasonable expectation of marked improvement. What a concept. Unfortunately, now is not that time.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it just goes back to the adage change is bad. Everyone fears it. Of course, not everyone has quite this much on the line.
ReplyDelete- N
go at this for nearly 30 years... taking med after med... off and on for nearly 30 years... hoping, praying, on your knees begging your GOD to finally give you a med to ease your torment... to find that the pill... the tablet... the syrup... again, does nothing OR does everything except what you hoped, prayed, and got on your knees begging for
ReplyDeleteeventually, you get med weary... eventually, you become med afraid... eventually, you get med petrified
and as much as the torment for which you struggle and battle your mind on every living breathing day of your life has become a "norm" and you now have that famous 10,000 yard stare... deep down inside... you still hope, beg, pray, and lay on your face begging
good luck.... tabby