Tuesday, October 05, 2010
I few months ago I tweaked my meds myself as no doctor would help me. I had lots of meds in the drawers so I whipped up a cocktail, and the cocktail helped. I've actually been feeling slightly better for the last couple of months. Not reliably. I cycle about once a week. But still. Not bad.
[Don't ever change your meds without medical supervision. Seriously.]
Yes, I Feel Like Hell
I feel pretty dead inside. The tiniest of corners dug down so deep I can't really see it is a tiny smile. But 99.9% of the time it's not available. Mostly I feel nothing. I can easily feel depressed. But I'm suppressing. And I can't feel happy. So I feel nothing.
It really sucks.
And the cycles are brutal, my behavior is somewhat erratic, and sometimes the depression hits with a vengeance. And I have daily headaches. And I don't really have an appetite. And I have spells of serious anxiety. And I tic.
Other than that, I'm peachy.
Hell is Changing
Not surprisingly, my doctor would like to make a couple of changes. That is, after all, what he's there for. But I'm terrified because while I live in hell, it is the hell I know which is less frightening than the hell I don't. At least in this hell I know that I can handle it. I'm fairly convinced this hell won't kill me. Although I could be wrong about that.
And as much as this might suck, there is infinite room for more suckage. Believe me. I know at times it feels like nothing could possibly ever, ever, ever feel worse, but it can. If you go at this long enough, you'll learn that's true.
So I'm terrified to make any medication changes. I have to, it's the only logical thing to do, I can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. I have to change something. I have to take the risk. But really, does it have to be such a big fucking risk?