I had a point the other day, when talking about anxiety.
Anxiety I feel is insidious. It's sort of like being eaten away from the inside by acid. It hurts and hurts and then it hurts some more. And all you can do it scratch and bite and claw from the outside, trying to get to all the burning happening inside. Anxiety feels like it's in your veins.
And I have found that it's anxiety, and not depression, that causes self-harm. Self-harm is considered an atypical symptom for depression, and I think that's because most people who are seriously depressed don't have the energy or desire to do it. Severely depressed people mostly just want to sleep, or sit, or, did I mention sleep? There's no time in that schedule for cutting, burning, or bruising.
But with anxiety there's a build-up of static energy. It's a welling of acid from within with nowhere useful to go. There's no fissures for release; that is, until you make one. This is where I feel the self-harm happens. All the anxiety manifests as useless, twitchy energy, and self-hatred which somehow transform into the desire to self-harm. It's not suicidality, it's not depression, it's anxiety that's causing it.
This is something that doctors don't seem to grasp. Anxiety and depression infect together and in my experience, medications are just as (if not more) likely to help one symptom as cause the other. IE, antidepressants can often cause anxiety
And worse yet, I'm not sure that people are even aware that it's anxiety that's happening to them when they're medicated and that's what's pushing them towards self-harm. Doctors don't talk about it. And do people even tell their doctors when they self-harm? I don't bother. It's not like they care. If you're not seriously attempting suicide it doesn't seem to matter.
But really it's a symptom of anxiety. And that does seem like something worth caring about. Something to be addressed. Something that at least that speaks of what the disease or the medication is doing. Somebody really needs to care about that.
I just went to my shrink today and he didnt seem to care that I had made several suicide attempts. He seemed annoyed that I had interupted his treatment. Shouldnt he think, well maybe its not WORKING?? I myself have never had much anxiety...I have always found it curious that with all the infinite pain of depression, I cannot bring myself to cut myself. Its too painful...I have enough pain on the inside, so yes, I prefer to sleep or sit, etc.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, I've had this happen, and I know it happens to others, shockingly often. Doctors seem to act almost like you're _doing_it_to_spite_them. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteWhat I highly recommend is demanding to be taken seriously. If you don't demand it, then they can just pass you over. But don't let them. You're important and what you're disclosing is IMPORTANT. Make them remember that. Take someone with you if that helps.
Be glad you don't cut. Fewer scars to hide.
- N
My therapist always takes me serious...but as long as I seem to be quite stable on the outside she seems to prefer it to be 'my own business'. On the ward I used to lie to my psychologist because she'd have put me into maximum security instantly...I think that was the only thing that was different between us and the people who'd been locked away...we wouldn't tell them the truth.
ReplyDeleteBlackEyedDog: well, all therapists are different, but she should be taking your seriously. It's a serious disorder. But doctors also need to be made aware of the severity of your symptoms because it means that your treatment isn't working and you're in danger.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you're saying about the hospital. It is a game, to some degree, and yes, if you want to get out there are something you have to say and there are some things you have to _not_ say. I get that. I've been there. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be honest with a doctor that you trust. Honest. They do need to know what's happening in order to best help you. How else are they going to know that treatment isn't working?
Yeah...I know! I gotta be honest so that they can help me. Especially now...because I consider to go back to in-patient treatment.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Being honest about stuff we don't like is an unfortunate fact of life for us. Well, for everyone actually.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Ah yes, the paranoia-inducing mind games in the hospital! Really takes me back....I am afraid my doc does take me seriously, and I dont have the energy to force him to take me more so. I like him, hes a good doc, and I dont really envy the paper war youre having to get a psychiatrist. Makes me feel lucky for having one. And I will probably be going with my man, as I did last week, that was the big change that took place: We are going to up the zyprexa 12mg
ReplyDeleteand Rafael bring her back in a week.(instead of 2)