I am other-less. Utterly. Other-less. Significant or not. No others. None at all.
And it has been that way for years. Years. I sound so old. I feel so old. My life is so old.
I can't find a way to reach people. To make them think that I'm worth reaching for, or more likely, to make them think that I'm worth catching. Worth waiting around for. Worth calling up at night. Worth spending emotional capital on. Worth being in a room with. Worth being with.
And on the one hand I find this surprising. I really am telling the truth when I say I'm brilliant and witty and funny and charming. I really am telling the truth when I say I'm likable, noticeable, unique and strange. I really am telling the truth when I say there are things about me that seem so innately special that someone, somewhere would want them. Really. I don't think I'm wrong about that.
Of course on the other hand, this isn't surprising at all. I really am telling the truth when I say I'm sick and terrible and depressing and sad. I really am telling the truth when I say I'm ugly, dark, twisted and hopeless. I really am telling the truth when I say that there are things about me that are so dark and so broken that everyone, everywhere is absolutely terrified of them. Really, I don't think I'm wrong about that either.
But I look around me, at the myriad of types of people, and I think to myself, how is it possible that all these people, all these types, all these flaws, all these sparks, have managed to find someone to love them? How can all of them done this thing that I find impossible? How can I really be that different? How can I really be that wrong?
I don't know. I have thoughts on the matter, but in the end, I don't know.
Part of me understands that I'm not right for relationships, that I'm not right for people, that I'm just not part of that club. And that's OK. Part of me thinks. Part of me might think.
But I miss the contact. I miss feeling like someone cared. I miss the smell of someone else in my bed. I miss their skin. I miss their lips. I miss their tongue. I miss someone wanting to hug me when they see me. A real hug. That vibrates a little. Not the perfunctory kind. The kind with the words "supposed to" hung in the air around them.
I ache. My chest aches. My soul aches waiting for someone to understand this with me.
But it is so far from here to there. Such a jagged and rocky path with impassible obstacles. Impossible to find without a map and a compass and a guide and a llama.
So the place is too far. Or I'm not worth going there for. Or people don't even know it exists. Or they get eaten by bears on the way. Or llamas are too scarce. I don't know. I just know I'm alone. I just know I'm lonely. I just know I'm tired. I just know that I'm devastated thinking about a life where no one inspires me to write poetry.
This post makes me really sad for you. I know what this feels like - I know the emptiness. I know that feeling of loneliness. I've felt it too - all my life.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a while now.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever tried group therapy?
Maybe it would help you feel connected to someone.
Maybe it could ease the loneliness.
Who knows you might even find another wounded soul that could make you feel happy and whole.
Someone with similar problems could truly understand what you are living through.
Everyone gets lonely, maybe if you tried to reach out to other people it would help you.
I hope you find happiness in your country.
Fate is a strange thing, it brought you back for a reason I hope you find what you are looking for.
I have bipolar disorder and i feel the same way. Life sucks. All the time.i think about death and dying everyday and have tried to kill myself only to fail obviously. Do not worry, there are people as miserable as you, even though that doe not make anyone feel better.
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ReplyDeleteyou are reaching people through this blog. See above.
ReplyDeleteDiana
To everyone - thanks for the understanding. And I'm sorry that you understand.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon your blog. You are an amazing wordsmith. I hope things have gotten better for you since your last posting. (I don't know about you, but this time of year seems especially horrible.) In reading the thread of recent postings, I was relieved to read that your cats were safe and were reunited with you quite quickly.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where else to turn to, so I figure I'll just put it out there and maybe someone will have some fabulous advice???
ReplyDeleteI have bp II, and am married. I was wondering what type of things I can do to save my marriage, as things have been really tough these past few months. My husband says that I've worn him down and he just doesn't think he has any patience left for me. He was once a warm, funny, patient man...and now he's just depressed and worn down. And it appears that a lot of this is due to my having bp. He had never really accepted that I have a life-long illness, until recently when he joined an on-line support group. And now he's angry, resentful and depressed. (I was diagnosed only 4 months after we got married, and at this point we've been married just over 2 years.)
Prior to meeting my spouse, I had been treated for anxiety for years but then went into a major depression for about a month...at which point my husband took me to a crisis center b/c I told him the truth (that I was so agitated and anxious that I was thinking about taking a handful of Xanax...I had no intention of killing myself, I just needed to calm down).
Here's the thing...I take my meds, I call the dr when I feel like my meds need to be adjusted or re-evaluated, I have been at the same job for >5 years, I make very good money, I take care of our dog.
I'm not very good at consistent cleaning-but when I do it, I do it well. I don't keep a very neat home, I like piles.
I am aware that my mood swings, especially the lows, are difficult on my spouse. During those times I am difficult to deal with, agitated/irritable and can just be downright nasty. I feel awful being that way and generally feel like he'd be better off leaving me because I can't promise that this will ever be any better. I am doing everything my dr and therapist have asked and I am trying my best to keep my husband committed to our relationship... but I think he's at the point where he feels he can't do it anymore and is contemplating divorce. I don't know where to turn.
Hi Anonymous1 - thanks for the compliment. As for things getting better, well, yes, it's a bad time of year for that.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous2 - Hi. Thank-you for talking about your concerns here. Your opening up is a strong and powerful thing to do, even if you do feel like you and your husband are at the end of your rope.
I'll give you my suggestions on how to handle what I'm sure is a tough time.
I will say that your husband is having a resonable reaction in trying to accept your illness. Leaving aside your own feelings for a moment, he has just come to realize that you, the person who he loves and is committed to, is going to be sick for the rest of your lives together. That you may never "get better". And that he will have to deal with this as long as he is with you. This situation could easily make anyone depressed and worn down. But this is a process. Yes, it seems really dark now, but it can get better, for you and for him. Right now your husband is in a process that is like grieving. He is grieving for what he always thought your life together would be like. This is normal. And there are stages to grief. Denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance. And he _can_ move forward to acceptance. It might not seem like it now, but he can.
But your husband needs to get some more help with this. An online support group is a good first step, but maybe 1-1 in person counseling would help more while he's feeling this desperate. He needs to talk to someone who is an expert in working with the loved ones of the mentally ill. These people are out there and might have some great coping strategies to offer, moreover, they can be a place for him to vent; be angry, be frustrated, be impatient. That's what counselors are there for.
You both might also want to consider couple counseling. Yes, your husband needs a place to do his own work, but then you and he can come together in a safe environment and express what you are both feeling and what you can do to help things work better.
I hear you say that you take your meds and see a doctor. That is great. But I also hear you say that you're having destructive mood swings, which is not so great. Is it possible that you could feel better, and have fewer mood swings on different medication? What does your doctor say when you report that you are still having symptoms? Your goal, with your doctor, is to get rid of all symptoms, if possible. Don't settle for a 5/10. Your mood swings are still a problem for you and your life and need to be taken seriously by the health care professionals that help you. And if your therapist or doctor has no ideas of other ways to help then it's time to seek out someone who does. There is a whole wide world of people out there who can help.
In short, you and your husband need a plan you can work on together. You can work on your own things, he can work on his, and you can both come together to work on strengthening your bond as a couple. Bipolar is a marriage is really hard for both parties, but can be dealt with. It's not just about you doing what your therapist says, it's about the plan that you and your husband make together. It's about you both working towards a common goal. It's about you both getting the help you need.
If you and he want this, you can do it. Just take a deep breath, find some new help, and start again.
You can email me anytime. I hope that helped.
- N
I have a really close friend who is a bipolar and your post is helping me to understand his condition. I'm reading up on bipolar as much as I can also for the same reason. That's how I bumped into your blog. I want to say thank you and I will continue to be here.
ReplyDeleteI also discovered something about myself when I read all I can about BD. I may be suffering from it myself. I will keep watch. Thanks again.
Alice, thanks for dropping by. You're a great friend to educate yourself and stand by someone with bipolar.
ReplyDeleteWe all need people like you.
And if you find you are suspecting you're bipolar, definitely see a professional.
Comment any time.
gosh... how many times have i written this same thing??
ReplyDeletethere's something in that, i think. even though we can't touch, we have this connection at least. maybe it's just my own weirdness, but it feels comforting to know other people are on this same wavelength (lol?). that we understand each other.
and i know it's not enough, just to know our souls/minds/hearts/whatevers are connectable and lovable, but it's SOMETHING.
(i also realize this is ridiculously dated, but i wanted to say something......)
Rachel - thanks for your comment. Yes, understanding is something. You're right.
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