So I had this job at the Empire. It was a good job, an impressive job, and a job that looked good on my resume. I didn't particularly like it, but I was going to put in five years or so to see if it got better. Either that, or it would give my resume enough credit to move on. And I was good at the job. I'm always, good, at the job.
But then I was laid off. Happens to people all the time, I know. Rough economic times and all that.
And I looked for work, like a normal person, and I couldn't find any, mostly like a normal person. I had some interviews, and they went really well, but I still didn't get the jobs. Again, mostly like a normal person.
And then I got rejected from the country. Not so much like a normal person. I had overstayed my welcome it seemed and I wasn't allowed back. I understand. I fucked up. And now they fucked me up. I didn't know that I had been naughty and I didn't know that was going to happen, obviously. But it happened. There you are.
And now I've spent hours trying to phone consulates and embassies and immigration to try to figure out how to get a temporary entry into the US to get my things. It doesn't seem that anyone knows how to do this. People just tell me that they don't know what to say. OK then. Thanks. You're the 37th person that knows nothing. Congratulations.
And now I have a job offer. Good right? Well, sort of. It means moving my life onto an island. It means taking a gigantic step backwards for my career. It means working for a company that I already don't believe in. It means working on products that I don't believe in. And, perhaps most importantly, it means cutting my salary by about 45%
It means taking a giant step backwards. And I don't know that I can do that. I'm 31 years old. If I'm not making my career work now, I'm not going to. And here's the thing: I have nothing else. I have no family, I barely have friends, I'm not happy, I don't have my health; all I had was my career. So, if I don't have that, I don't have, anything.
Anything. Nothing. Just a hole. Just a chasm. Just place-markers where a life should be.
I thought I was going to get that one thing. I thought I had worked hard enough for that one thing. I thought I had proved that I deserved just that one thing.
But it seems, not.
Believe me, please, when I tell you that at 31 you have about 40 years to make or break a career. Try to relax and go with the flow. If you have an image in your mind of where you want to be you will find yourself there, presently. I did, anyway, and if a high school dropout with Bipolar Disorder can do it, I just know that you can too.
ReplyDeleteAnd island? Amazing!
Waco - thank-you. I'm thinking at 71 there's not much careering, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteRelax? Really? You must not have read much ;) It's not really my area of expertise. I just dearly don't want to move, and then move again, but it looks like I might just have to accept that reality. I just really don't want to.
An island? Yeah, I grew up there. The only people who think it's cool to be on an island are the people who haven't lived on an island. The problem with an island is that it's a bitch to get off of it. I've spent so much time waiting for ferries, missing ferries, and on ferries, that I've probably lost a year of my life.
But yes, it is beautiful here. And yes, I still know a few people here. And yes, I might be able to rebuild a life here. I'm coming to accept this fact. It's hard. Like I said, my career is important and this place just doesn't do it.
But you're right, maybe next year. Working is better than not working and moving will suck and finding a new place will suck, but I'll get through it. I just don't want to.
But really, when do I get what I want, anyway?
- N
OK...I`m shocked. I thought ...you mentioned flying over western washington, and I thought you were from Seattle, Like me. Where the hell are you, if I may ask? And what happened to your brother? And you can count me as a friend , though I don`t know you personally. I count you as a friend :)
ReplyDeleteDiana
Hi Artemis,
ReplyDeleteOK, well, everyone needs a good shock now and then. Yes, I was in Seattle, and now I'm on an island near there. Not to worry, you were right all along. I'm from Canada, near(ish) Seattle.
And when I said I don't have a family, I was more referring to not being in a relationship and not having kids. And as for the family I was born into, well, I don't think of them much as a family, more like a bag a rocks that I have to carry around. Now and then we get along, but not generally. They make me feel all icky inside.
Thanks for your friendship. I could use a few new friends.
Dear, I've been around for awhile now....I think I graduated from new...but maybe not since time seems to move VEEEEeery slowly as a bipolar sometimes. I have a family, and it's like the island thing....I am not sure I want it, I am often confused, and I am tied to the house all the time now. I am getting fat because of that and my style has gone to hell, which bums me out.
ReplyDeleteSo...enjoy the fact that you can rock sky high heels, not worry about getting spitup on your shirt, and not having to wonder if you are with your man out of necessity or because you love him.
You still sound good
Love, Diana