Hiding the Blender

My brain has been out. Out of town, out of bounds, out of mind. Out. Driven only by a desire to be more out, namely out of consciousness, but the napping, while my favorite thing in the world, just isn't a good idea nearly as often as I want to do it.

Two days ago I laid down and closed my eyes but behind my eyelids there were colours and lights, not the darkness that was meant to be there. Can't sleep in the dancing colours and the light. The activation makes me more afraid than anything else. Afraid of what's making the rave behind my eyes maybe. Or just finding the colours and lights oppresive with unexplained fear. Everything is unexplained.

The brain is up and down. Down and up. Round and round. Back and forth. Here and there. It's like an eletron in an atom, it theoretically exists in a given orbit but you can't necessarily find it, or prove it absolutely. Some of it is depresison, some of it is mania, and some of it is the steel blades of the blender mixing it all.

I'm trying to focus on getting a job because, well, I need a job. My career counsellor seems hopeful that I can get a job here, although he pretty much has to be. He's paid to feel hopeful, posative and motivational. He wouldn't be doing his job if he wasn't.

I have a shiny new resume that they tell me is basically perfect, so maybe that will help; I don't know, I've never been all that good at getting past HR screeners. Although now the Borg is on my resume, and that should probably help.

And they recommended that I get my PMP cert while I'm waiting. Project Management Professional. Actually being a professional project manager isn't the same thing, apparently. No, the PMI has to certify you to prove who you are. Hoops. Hoops.

The thing about the PMP is that employers actually look for it. It's actually a worthwhile cert. I would say that there are many pointless certs, but PMP isn't. Probably because PMP is hard to get. There are zillions of hours of courses followed by (I hear) an expensive and difficult test. Yipee for me.

And normally I wouldn't bother. It's long and boring, and I don't care for long and boring. But in this industry, if you're not sharpening your skills you might as well stay home. And in my case the courseware is free through the outplacement agency and I'll only have to pay for the test. Like school. Like being at school. I hadn't planned on having that experience again.

All this is actually easier than finishing the book. I'm achingly close but still have no cigar. I know, it requires the writers discipline which I'm not feeling at the moment. I'm not feeling much at the moment which is part of the problem. Good writing only comes from your heart or soul or something that experiences. And I'm hiding. All of me.