natashatracy.com

Seriously, if you haven't checked out the new Bipolar Burble at natashatracy.com, you don't know what you're missing :)

Come say hi.

New Blog is Here

Hi all.

I know, I've been saying that I've been working on the new Bipolar Burble blog for ages.

Sorry, technology is kind of a bitch.

I was trying to get things all spic and span before you got there but, well, spic and span is a process it seems. So, I am now officially switching over to the new blog. There will be no more updates here, just updates at the new blog: natashatracy.com.

I hope you like it, in spite of the messy bits. Your feedback is, as always, welcomed.

I'm Coming Already!

I have no forsaken ye readers, I'm just using my time to try and get the new blog layout up and running. I'm thinking in the next couple of days it'll be there.

Working on it...

There are 1900 entries in this blog, you know, it takes a while.

New Blog Layout

Hello all.

As some of you may recall, I'm moving to Wordpress. I've selected a theme and am working out the kinks now. I have a question for you:

Is it worth going through and categorizing posts in a logical fashion? Would you use categories or would you rather just search for what you want?

Likely I will only seriously categorize the last couple of years, but I'm trying to gauge if it's worth the trouble.

Categories would be general, like: antipsychotics, depression
Tags would be specific, like: Zyprexa, Seroquel

Any thoughts?

Anything you'd really like to see in the new layout?

(I do realize that the current layout isn't fun to read. Not to worry, clean and clear is the mantra of the new layout, so that one I've got covered.)

Low Dose Antipsychotics

I am very medication-reactive. Not so much with the positive effects, but I can almost guarentee you I'll get all the side effects. And sometimes, just for good measure, I'll get side effects that doctors say "aren't possible". They are my favorite.

I Overreact to Antipsychotics

Antipsychotics have some of the worst side effect profiles around (if you ask me, and well, you're here, so you kind of did). While antipsychotics are entirely appropriate in the treatment of many disorders and even a miracle for some people, that doesn't mean it's all rainbows and lollipops. The years spent trying out antipsychotics have been some of the worse years of my life physically, and often mentally.

And the reason why is because not only do I not find them overly affective, but I also find they are absolutely hellish is live through. Typically, on antipsychotics I wants to eat my weight in ice cream every day and that is when I'm not sleeping, which is most of the time. I swear, I don't remember huge chunks of time because I just slept through them. And yes, I could complain about other things like tremors and weight gain as well. And other things like body temperature dysregulation. And the list goes on.

But Antipsychotics Are So In

Antipsychotics are all the rage. Everyone gets them prescribed for everything. And as I mentioned over at Breaking Bipolar, Seroquel is the highest grossing psychotropic medication (that means it beat out every antidepressant) and antipsychotics in general are the highest-grossing class of medications pulling in $14.6 billion in 2009. (My mouth hangs open every time I read that.)

And there is some good science behind why antipsychotics are being more frequently prescribed. Antipsychotics can help for intractable depression, mania as well as their traditional use in schizophrenia.

Nevertheless, I'm not really a trend-follower.

I Refuse to Take Antipsychotics

So last year, after gaining more weight and being hungry 25 hours a day I simply refuse to take another antipsychotic at all. In any combination. No More.

Um, except a tiny dose of Zyprexa. 1.25mg to be exact. That's half of the lowest available dose. It's pretty much all I can handle of the stuff. (As to why I was on it in the first place you can read about my positive reaction to a Celexa/Zyprexa combination.)

My Doctor Was Sure The Tiny Amount of Zyprexa Did Nothing

My doctor back in the US was pretty sure it was doing nothing and when I finally saw my old doctor here he was sure it was doing nothing so I stopped taking it. I like to try to do what the doctor says mainly because they don't like it when you don't. Listening to them and giving their advice a chance is how you build rapport.

And my guess is everyone in the room saw this coming: I started feeling like crap.

OK. Low Dose Zyprexa Might Be Doing Something

The change in mood was really notable. Often mood changes are so gradual they are hard to see, but not this one. From manageable to unmanageable in a day-and-a-half. I then met with another doctor to get official word to go back on it. Basically I wanted to see if it was likely I was having a psychosomatic reaction. She seemed to think not, so last night I took a dose.

Low Dose Antipsychotics Good for Stabilization?

When I met with this new doctor (another long story, she's a resident) she said that low dose antipsychotics are typically good at stabilization, not so good as antidepressants, for that you need a higher dose, but good for all that rapid-cycling business. That's the opinion of one doctor, but I thought I'd share.

See, a Low Dose Isn't So Low When You're On 23 Other Meds

See, I'm on 6 other meds besides Zyprexa. And there are these interaction things. No one can really say what the interactions are per se, as the combo is too complex, but obviously there are some. So it's quite possible that 1.25mg in my system is like 2.5mg or 5mg in someone else's system. No one really knows.

And sure enough, I do feel better today. It does feel a little easier to hack away at projects and try to get work. I don't feel quite so crushingly sad. It's really a nice change.

So, Jump On the Low Dose Bandwagon?

Obviously, I can't say what someone should or should not do so I'm not going to even try. I will say though that some people do use low doses of drugs, particularly antipsychotics, quite successfully. Sometimes it's for sleep and sometimes it's for mood, but sometimes it works. Antipsychotics sometimes "turn up" other medication. It's the suspected reason why the Zyprexa/Celexa combo works so well. The small amount of Zyprexa increases the efficacy of the Celexa. Of course, that is partially supposition.

But if you're like me, and have tried antipsychotics but can't stand the side effects, perhaps you might want to try a low dose combo route. If your doctor was always pushing the dose (which they usually do) you've likely never given the low dose a chance to work. It's at least worth a conversation with your psychiatrist.

Convincing Someone to Get Help for a Mental Illness

I get emails and messages now and then from people asking what to do about their mentally ill loved one. These people are in the unenviable position of watching someone they love be sick. And the unfortunate thing about mental illness is that when you confront it, it doesn't like it very much. You are trying to tell someone that their brain is sick and expecting their sick brain to comprehend and agree with that.

It's kind of a tall order.

And the thoughts I have on the matter don't really make the issue sparkle either. Because let's face it, the person either listens to you or they don't, and really, they have the right to do either one. Here's a bit of reality on convincing a loved one to get help for a mental illness.

And for the record, even if you don't immediately succeed, many of us first hear about our mental illness from a friend, but sometimes that takes a while to sink in.

Stop Telling Me How to Get Better

[Admittedly this is angry, ranty and will likely tick people right off. Please understand that this is not aimed at any one individual and the remarks reflect a growing frustration of a prevalent situation.]

Here at BurbleCo I try to relate matters in a very even-handed, logical and frank way. I attempt to deliver my opinions and facts as just that, opinions and facts. I try not to inflame groups with whom I vehamently disagree. I try to respect everyone's point of view as I wish to have mine respected. I short, I try to act like grown-up. A kind, caring, reasonable grown-up.

Well. Fuck. That. Shit.

There is a new rule: no one is allowed to tell me how to get better. Not any more. I'm a done with those people. I am done with the sun-shiny, let's-hold-hands-and-sing cumbyah people. I'm done with the turning-my-frown-upside-down-cured-me-and-so-will-cure-you people. I am done with the I-worked-through-my-self-esteem-issues-by-affirmations people. I am done with the I-got-better-through-god people. I am over being nice and kind and respectful and accommodating to these people.

I don't fucking tell people how to live their lives and I wish people would stop thinking that they have the right to tell me how to live mine.

Here's the thing people - you don't know me. You don't. You may read my words but that makes you no more an authority on my brain than the barrista I chat with at Starbucks. I am not your patient, your lover, your family member, or anyone else people seem to exert control over. I am a writer. I write about stuff. I write about me. But written words does not a person make.

And quite frankly, I find these people condescending, irritating, pious, holier-than-thou and just generally ignorant of the world around them. And I'm tired of playing all nice about it.

Yes, I get it, I'm a voice for the mentally ill community and an advocate and I have a responsibility to at least be reasonable when talking to people, but every fucking day of my online life people feel free to tell me what I'm doing wrong. They feel free to tell me how they got better and if I wanted to, I'd do it too. They feel free to yak on about things about me with which they have no experience or knowledge. Seriously. Irritating.

You know what I think people should do with their lives? I think people should do what they want and they should let others do what they want. We each have our own path, our own minds, our own brains. You don't understand mine. Period.

As an example: personally, I find most religious people to be quite mindless and irrational on subjects of spirituality and I think they should take a logic course, learn to think for themselves and give their heads a shake.

But you know what, that's just me. That's just my opinion. I don't tell people to do that. It's insulting. It's unkind. It indicates that I think I know what's better for the person than the person themselves. And to make matters worse, it would indicate that over the internet I feel free to tell someone how to live their life when I don't even know them. Not to mention I don't know their history and how they came to place in their life where they now exist. No one has to justify their choices to me.

And how pissed off would everyone be, and I would say rightfully, if I did that?

Do people mean well? I suppose. That's always the out I give people when I write about the matter. That's the politically correct thing to say about such remarks. But seriously, I think it just makes them feel better about their own choices in life. By telling me what I'm doing wrong it reaffirms what they are doing right. Well quite frankly, I don't give a shit. I'm glad you think you're right. Go forth and be right. Enjoy.

I'm tired of being the one that has to be so careful around these people and this subject. I'm tired of having to justify myself. Stop telling me what to do. Stop telling me how great you are that you got better. And while you're at it, give the rest of the mentally ill world a break too. We're doing the best we can.

[And in case you were wondering this doesn't change my feelings on respect and tolerance. I have no plans on attacking people here and certainly not in any other public forum.]

I Hate the Videos of Myself

I don't like doing video blogging. Actually, I don't like having my image anywhere on the internet. There's a reason why every picture I ever posted here didn't have a head.

But at HealthyPlace I'm contractually obligated to produce one video a month for all to see. I don't like it. It puts a knot in my stomach, but there it is. We all do things we don't want to do.

And part of it, I think, is that I don't want people to actually see the pain across my face, or I don't want to hide the pain that lives across my face. One of the two. I cry so often. I don't want to cry on camera. If you want to see that you come 'round my apartment any day and see it in the flesh.

Because everything I have ever said, everything I have ever written and every image I've ever recorded is online forever. The internet is like that. You can never make an image disappear once it's out there.

The thing I will say is that once I create a video or audio file, once I do an interview I never watch or listen to it again. I can't even tell you what I said. In fact, someone commented to me once on something he thought was egotistical and I didn't even remember saying it. To me it's just out there, gone. Into the dust from whence it came.

Last month's video was on how my bipolar brain makes me hate myself. This is another thing I try not to think about. Yup, I hate myself. A lot. But I try not to think about it. And now, here it is on video, for all to see, the Irrationality of My Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself.

I think I can say the conflict is self-evident. Like someone producing videos of an image she'd like to squash.

(In case you were wondering, I don't hate doing such things in person so much. It's just the idea that forever more it exists that bothers me. Permanency of pain makes me grumpy.)

The Hell You Know is Better Than the Hell You Don't

I finally saw a doctor. Almost five months after Dr. Cunt told me to give up, I saw a doctor who used to treat me here in town. And he's agreed to treat me. He takes almost no new patients, but he has agreed to take me. I never thought I'd be so glad to see a doctor.

I few months ago I tweaked my meds myself as no doctor would help me. I had lots of meds in the drawers so I whipped up a cocktail, and the cocktail helped. I've actually been feeling slightly better for the last couple of months. Not reliably. I cycle about once a week. But still. Not bad.

[Don't ever change your meds without medical supervision. Seriously.]

Yes, I Feel Like Hell

I feel pretty dead inside. The tiniest of corners dug down so deep I can't really see it is a tiny smile. But 99.9% of the time it's not available. Mostly I feel nothing. I can easily feel depressed. But I'm suppressing. And I can't feel happy. So I feel nothing.

It really sucks.

And the cycles are brutal, my behavior is somewhat erratic, and sometimes the depression hits with a vengeance. And I have daily headaches. And I don't really have an appetite. And I have spells of serious anxiety. And I tic.

Other than that, I'm peachy.

Hell is Changing

Not surprisingly, my doctor would like to make a couple of changes. That is, after all, what he's there for. But I'm terrified because while I live in hell, it is the hell I know which is less frightening than the hell I don't. At least in this hell I know that I can handle it. I'm fairly convinced this hell won't kill me. Although I could be wrong about that.

And as much as this might suck, there is infinite room for more suckage. Believe me. I know at times it feels like nothing could possibly ever, ever, ever feel worse, but it can. If you go at this long enough, you'll learn that's true.

So I'm terrified to make any medication changes. I have to, it's the only logical thing to do, I can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. I have to change something. I have to take the risk. But really, does it have to be such a big fucking risk?

Medication Non-Compliance Kills

I have written thousands and thousands of words about how much I hate medication.

I hate it in the car, I hate it on a train, I hate on a boat, I hate it in the rain.
I hate it in the snow, I hate it in the sun, I hate it standing still, I hate it on the run.
I hate it before breakfast, I hate it after lunch, I hate it in the morning, I hate it during brunch.

And while I could fill an entire blog with all the ways I hate it, I still, take it, everyday.

Weird you say?

Well, yes. But no more so than the disease it treats.

Someone said to me that I have such conviction for a method that has been proven fruitless again and again. Well, yes, but there has been the odd pomegranate here and there. Moreover, I can't think of anything better with which to convict, so I have to go with what has the greatest (however small) possibility of working.

But I completely understand people who want off their meds. Now. Like. Now. No more meds.

I get it. Meds are horrible. My list of side-effects is terrifying, even to me. Some I wouldn't go through again no matter what. So I totally get it. Medications and side-effects can all but ruin a life.

But medication saves lives. In fact, it may be saving your life right now without you even knowing about it. The fact that you're not trying to kill yourself may be thanks to the little pink pill that you take in the mornings, even though it is your least favorite part of the day.

And that's the thing. I understand the consuming desire to excise the poison from one's body, but doing so can be just plain dangerous. All sorts of nasty things happen to people when they suddenly stop their medication. This is known as medication non-compliance and is a topic I wrote about at Breaking Bipolar.

(PS, have you done something for Mental Illness Awareness Week yet?)